I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
