Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
