I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
