My hair reeks of homosexuality.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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