This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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