note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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