OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
