well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
