Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
