Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
