Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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