Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
