Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
