my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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