well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
