My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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