At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
