Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
