I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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