I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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