Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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