Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
