I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
