did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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