Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
