she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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