Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
