The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
