one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
