The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
