now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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