Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
