turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
