ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
