I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
