so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
