I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
