Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
