You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
