i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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