if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
