I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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