i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
