You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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