Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
