well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
