so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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