I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
