ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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