please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
