He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
